So...I have been thinking...

Yeah, it's true..I have been thinking..contemplating life in general...trying to be true to myself, I guess. Wanting to be true to myself...

I hit 40 last year, I guess you could say it really hit me hard. Thinking about all I have been through, how fortunate I was to actually be here..and how scary it was to think if it weren't for the great doctors I have encountered in my life, I wouldn't be here...

So, at the age of 40, I realized that I had let myself go. I had gotten myself into the metaphorical rut, so to say. ( I know I am not the only one) I am pretty easy going...not too high maintenance...I go with the flow...yeah, yeah, yeah...yadda...yadda...yadda..

I started taking better care of myself. I started exercising regularly, eating better, researching better ways to take care of my body, my mind and my soul...It has been a year and half since my journey began...

Needless to say, I am still working on big facets of this so-called "renewal". I want to have that " I don't care what anybody else thinks" kind of attitude...I want to be confident in myself...but it's hard...

I have been toying with the idea of wearing a bikini for a while....which is a BIG thing for me...I have had 12 surgeries...all abdominal surgeries....What to do?

weight lost....check
(went from a 41" waist to a 31 1/2" waist in a year and a 1/2) (still working on it though)
toned up...check (check out my yoga post)
bikini bought....check
bikini fits...check...
just can't do it...

I want to...people are so mean..
It's not even that I think i look that great in a bikini...it's just HAVE YOU SEEN THE WHOLE PEICES, OF LATE...They suck!

I mean, why shouldn't I ? Should I hide my scars? Should I just pretend that they aren't there? (What? ) I know they are ugly...BUT...they have made me who I am today....Right?(what don't kill ya will make ya stronger...) I don't know....maybe I should just go for it... afterall, I will be in the water past my navel for the most part, so who cares...

That takes me to things I have read on the message boards about this subject...Its sad really...I don't think people take other people circumstances into account...They can be just mean...I thought I found something a couple of weeks ago...On the cover of Woman's World magazine there was a girl in a bikini, who said she wore a bikini DESPITE her scars...WOW! I was impressed...(I still am, she was on the cover, afterall...) BUT she was like 23...she too had a kidney surgery of some sort...like 15 years ago, instead of 30 years ago....big difference in the scars...I would definitely not have a problem with that...it would be a non issue...little bit of a tan and I am good to go(perhaps...I don't know)I don't think people(especially me) really grasp the concept of how bad is it, really?....I see people all the time that I wouldnt want to trade places with...not that I think it's that bad, just a different set of problems...
Maybe I will set a goal... and then MAKE myself do it...couldn't be that bad...Could it? I have sang in front of loads of people...carried on and acted foolish, probably in front of more people that I care to mention....I can do this...it's not like I am a stripper or something, asking for money( just in case there are any "exotic dancers"with scars out there, reading my blog, I want your confidence, let me know how you do it...) ( I need as much help as I can get)......I just want to swim...comfortably...I think emotionally comfortable falls under that umbrella too, right?

so until, I figure this out...cover up, it is....

For obvious reasons, there will be no pictures with this post....

until we meet again!
xoxo!